Yet the pleasure we partake in; was caused by the fanged grin

A/N: This post will be very long. It will be all about me as well. So if you hate either, or both, you’re welcomed to skip it.

I’m turning 18 this year, yet I feel every single thing I’ve done in my life has been wasted by my laziness.

Throughout my whole life, there are many things in which I could have done better, yet I didn’t. I’ve made up excuses for myself, saying I don’t really need (whatever thing I could have achieved), getting distracted by other things, feeling sorry for myself afterward… falling into the same vicious cycle yet again. It’s embarrassing to myself. Thing is, I never really believed in myself as a person either. What makes me think I’m able to achieve all the things that I want to, when I’m imperfect – I’m not really that smart, my usage of language is really, really sub par (think of my ambition to be an author), I’m not really that good-looking, nor am I decisive enough to make sure I’m heading into the right direction?

Everyone else is imperfect like me, similar, yet there are others who rise up to the challenge better than me… all because I’m a coward. And for what? What am I afraid of? Really? Does my personality hinder me from getting the things I want?

When I was in primary school, I’ve never regarded anyone or anything to be of real threat, so there wasn’t much competition in getting better grades. I never really studied much either. Never really sat down and committed myself to learn things and beat the supposed silly school system I went through – Gods, if it were really that silly to me, why didn’t I go on and beat it, show that I had the ability to look down on the system yet rise above it? Even if at that time I didn’t actually go on and said it – that it was stupid, I’ve always had an inkling of it, knew that there were some lacking in it, and simply hadn’t come up with a term for it. Dumb of me to actually know it existed, yet didn’t go on and moved against the flow.

So I graduated with a PSLE score of 202, with a mindset that was – at least I got into Express stream, at least I passed everything as was required of me. Laziness again. Just take the things as they went along.

Of course I went to an alright secondary school, met alright friends, though I’ve always seen myself as generally a floater. Did pretty much alright in Sec 1, could have done way better, yet didn’t again. Laziness. So much of it, I’m grimacing at the thought of how much I could have done better.

Sec 2, began realising how shitty life was, boring that I was taking it all passively, yet not doing anything. Disgusting myself with how lax I was with the things around me… getting average grades, failing Maths, so what? Who the fuck cares? Began getting interested with the idea of being an author in the future. Friends? They were as usual. Were the things I learnt at school that tough to comprehend? Not really. Just didn’t bother getting in too deep, because what mattered at that time?

Started cutting myself in the realisation of how mundane everything was, how everything was stupid and I was stupid as well for not rising against it, fighting for myself – I didn’t do that, of course, else I would have done better. When end of year exams came, I tried to do the best I could for art, and I was really, really severely disappointed when the art teacher came  in with the results. She went on to say who were the potential art students for Sec 3, hated that my name wasn’t called. Yet – who the fuck cared? I got into art class when I was in Sec 3 anyway.

I take a lot of things passively, I must say. My parents didn’t berate me for my average results, neither did they push me to buck up. Started failing my Maths… so what? Is it that important? What a stupid mindset. Of course it mattered. You’re going to fail your O Level maths at this rate if you keep this up. And you want to get into Mass Comm diploma don’t you? Either that or an art one. Even if your art is pretty average and boring as well. You never get top marks for anything, even if you could. One little push and you never did it. Yeah, I’m stupid, I admit.

Sec 4 was stressful, and I nearly broke down and wanted to give up taking it halfway because I was putting on high expectations on myself, compared myself to other people too much. And I wasn’t fulfilling my expectations because pushing myself to do so would take so much more. It’s like starting an old car engine when you haven’t used it for decades, haven’t oiled it for so long and it’s rusty – how are you supposed to start it?

Of course I failed my Maths for my O Levels, never got an A for anything. Got average two digit points. Now for the diploma of choice. Having failed my Maths and my points being too bad for the diploma I want, all of my selections were rejected, and only left me for the only alternative I had left, and that was to go to Republic Poly.

I got a very undesirable course, and I went along with it, at least I still had a place in a poly, at least I’m doing a diploma. The “at least” part is the most stupid of all, because I could have considered a diploma change when I had the chance to in Year 1, remain in Republic Poly and not waste my parent’s money.

Now I have the desire to leave RP forever, go to a private school with an arts course, and that makes me sound so fickle minded and dumb and indecisive and I have no idea if its the right thing. But it feels the most correct to me as of now.

Imagine if I hadn’t had the take-it-as-it-comes mindset throughout my youth, I wouldn’t be in this situation of having to find a job to support myself when I go to NAFA, having to retake my O Level Maths, having to get out of my poly halfway because I finally realise how redundant my diploma actually is to my interests. I might’ve been in Mass Comm in a better poly had I done better. I might have been in NAFA already, I might have taken Diploma in New Media in RP… I might have so many things, yet I didn’t.

How utterly typical of me. What a waste.