Yet the pleasure we partake in; was caused by the fanged grin

Suddenly I find myself reminiscing of my Secondary school days, in particular the first two years that I spent there.

I was involved with Choir as a CCA back then, and despite everything that I complained, I had some of the best memories I ever had in Secondary school life from there. The Choir disbanded when I was in Secondary 3 due to lack of members, and I joined English club afterwards, continuing to be active until I left East View around a year ago.

I remember myself being inspired to sing because of Liv Kristine from Theatre of Tragedy and being held in thrall of what her voice could do. Of course, I didn’t have any of her talent, but the inspiration alone was enough to drive me to sign up for it in the CCA fair since there were so little people signing up, and I decided to just do it, since something good might come out from it.

I was able to sing, but not exceptionally well like some people in the choir could do. In the first year there were a lot of girls in the choir, mostly seniors who were Secondary 3-5 already and I knew that the friends I made amongst them would disappear in the next year when I got to Secondary 2. But I didn’t care, I had a hand-me-down blue satin choir dress that reached my ankles, fit me well, courtesy of a senior who wouldn’t be using it anymore. I was proud of what I could do. I could perform! I could sing!

I remember being emotionally stressed and about to cry once in choir practice, when the conductor was being particularly hard-pressed about making me sing solo in front of all the others. When I couldn’t sing she picked out a friend to sing with me, and I finally amassed the courage to just sing, and I remember trying hard not to cry even though the conductor had complimented me for finally being able to do it.

Getting ready backstage was always fun, putting on makeup, adjusting our clothes and hair, and singing and creating wonderful music together while the other cultural groups looked on as we practised. My first ever performance with the choir was pretty cheesy, and I will never forget the song – Abba’s Dancing Queen.

I was only involved in very little performances throughout my 2 years in the choir, but every one of it was amazing. I liked the one time when we performed in Singapore Poly, because I saw how big and gorgeous the campus was that time, and hoping one day I’d be studying there. (But I’m in Republic Poly now, and I do love it here.)

I was also proud of this one time when I was in Secondary 2, where I scored the top in the cohort for English (I forgot if it was mid-year’s or end-of-year’s). That was the only time I was able to get good results, but at that time I wasn’t so interested in language yet. I only managed to become more interested in language on my own in Secondary 3, when I by chance stumbled upon the movie Interview with the Vampire, and got curious of the origins of the book, and bought it. I fell in love with it, so much that I would always be found holding a book from the series whenever I went, immersed by the romanticism and immortality of vampires.

My fascination was further brought alive when Art O Levels came around, and we could do anything we wanted so long as we didn’t go too off-topic. (Stupid, really, since art is subjective.) I chose this topic ‘Unusual Perspectives’ which no one else seemed to want to take, despite of the many possibilities and advantages it held over the other topics available. I chose to portray a perspective of a vampire, and it was Lestat that I chose to bring to life in the mixed media canvas that was provided. Despite my lack of artistic skills then I did manage to pull it off substantially and it is another thing I am proud of that came from Secondary school.

I was secretly proud of my alternative interests, music people around me rarely listened to, fascination with vampires, but I also secretly loathed myself, my rotund body, my speaking voice, my inability to perform exceptionally in my studies to garner praise from parents, my constant questioning in the higher power, physicalities which made me feel very different from others. All these things divided me from my friends, but I had to go through it all.

I also remember several stupid things I did when I was younger.

I had an overdose of paracetamol pills and I did that in school, which rendered me half-immobile and slow to respond to a lot of things, and I went through the day in a haze. But nothing bad happened from it, just tongue lashings from concerned friends and a blankness throughout that whole day. I cut my wrists due to depression even though no one actually made me snap out of it, and I believed myself to be useless and that no one was concerned of me, thinking that if I actually bled myself to death, no one would actually care or notice. I always felt that whatever I did would bring no great consequence, elicit a response from the people who I wanted to pay attention to me. I fought with close friends over a private relationship matter, avoided them. I went into depression again for questioning my religion, and came out of it as an Agnostic.

All these things, foolish things I went through, and I wonder if I had known better – could I have prevented myself from being this way? I wonder if all that were a journey in which I was supposed to find myself as a person. But this ‘finding yourself’ jargon is a cliche, and I hate all those nonsense.

After going through all these, I suppose I find myself smarter, wiser in my decisions, but even this hasn’t quite made me truly happy. How does one find true happiness, anyway? From a lover? From pursuing the interests that they have? I can’t say that I am unhappy, because I am not, but then again I cannot really say I am happy, because that’s not true as well.

I suppose what he said is true, then… that humans are so hard to understand, even though we are humans ourselves.

As for now, I’ll just continue having a voice here through my writings, hoping one day I would just gain the opportunity to be heard on an even wider scale as I get established as an author in Singapore. Hopefully, one day.